Maybe it’s the Catholic in me but I’m in the mood to confess. As none of you know who I am it is – as they say in the PC classics – a ‘safe space’.
1. I Google-stalk ex-boyfriends, and sometimes their wives. (Privacy settings, people.) This is, on balance, not advisable, particularly after a few champers as sometimes you (slash me) accidentally fat-finger ‘like’ or ‘friend’ and…bingo! Totally busted.
2. Sometimes I go to the toilets at work to listen to podcasts (I’m looking at you, Hedley Thomas). Not for long, but sometimes for longer than is standard practice for normal ablutions on the company dime.
3. In winter, the pull of a slip-on sometimes leads me to wear Birkenstocks with socks. Not far, just around the ‘hood.
4. La recently went 17 days without washing my hair. Dry shampoo and hairspray can work miracles. Secretly, occasionally being this festy appeals to my inner something. (Let’s not wake Freud up for that one.)
5. La’m petrified that when dementia inevitably hits no-one will attend to my personal hygiene because #NOFILTER. This worries me on an almost daily basis and reminds me how effective the fear of social opprobrium is in censoring potentially horrid stream-of-consciousness comments.
6. I’ve researched becoming a copper. The idea has not yet been entirely dismissed.
7. I’ve farted in lifts and pointed the proverbial digit at my children, before they had the gift of speech.
8. I get dead jealous of how funny Fashion Critical is and sometimes wish her ‘likes’ number would go backwards. Similar feelings occasionally bubble up about the brilliant Faux Fuchsia. Former PM Malcolm Turnbull would call this behaviour ‘nefarious’.
9. Love aeroplane food. And hospital food.
10. I love blood and gore in TV shows and fillums. Someone saying “it’s really violent” is like Trivnip.
11. Sometimes I get Jacki Weaver confused with Noni Hazlehurst which feels like a crime against the sisterhood.
12. I send messages to musicians and authors I love. And they reply. Tracey Thorn, Penny Flanagan, David Mitchell, Peter Carey: no-one is safe.
13. I am a GFC geek. Whatever you want to know, #justask.
14. Bloody hate summer. Hate its guts.
15. Some days I like my dogs more than my children.
16. I judge men who wear skinny ties.
17. Bradley Cooper may have had a tops turn in A Star is Born but I still believe he’s utterly weird and I do not trust him.
18. I’m becoming the type of over-friendly, “days are long but the years are short”, creepy lady women fear might steal their baby from its pram.
16. I want to write TV in LA. However, I understand I could actually start by writing TV in my study in Sydney. #bloodylazy
21. One day I want to learn how to count.