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Gift wrap

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My gift to you:  the (mostly) weekly Wrap.

Ready to be better primed than a Chanel catwalk model’s face on show day? Then read on:  everything you need to know to get a leg up on this weekend’s social ladder is here, 100% fact-checked and verified. The key is to re-tell it with confidence, in your very best, this-is-for-the-cheap-seats voice.

“Mr Singh, my Tim would love to have a snip at what’s under that turban.”

PM’s Sensible Pumps Bog in Soggy, Monsoon-Affected Indian Grass; Leader Felled.  Poor JG.  She truly is a champ when it comes to re-composing herself and stealing back her prime ministerial dignity. In a nod to the new-found camaraderie among the Wide Brown Land sisterhood in the wake of weeks of anti-lady public discourse, La has refrained from including a snap of JG mid-fall. It’s something we all dread: there but for the grace of gods…

Nic and Carls Spend $1100 on Takeaways in NYC for Flight Back to France. OK, whatever. My question is, what the hell is going on with her face? Has she had an attack of the Burt Reynoldses? Carls is teetering dangerously on the verge of Bride of Wildenstein territory. Also, who cares (apart from underpaid, jaloux journalists) what they spent on takeaways? Anyone with even a glancing knowledge of their 1980s supermodels (Moi? Guilty!) knows La Bruni’s independent wealth is virtually boundless.

Lance Revealed as Drug Cheat; Dropped by Sponsors; Credibility Lost. So? Anyone who follows cycling even half as closely as La followed los 80s supermodels has always known they all cheat. Sure, he’s fibbed and been very sanctimonious about it all, but has everyone forgotten the man won all those Tours after he’d had testicular cancer and tumors in his lungs, abdomen and brain? A perfectly healthy Triv could inject and swallow all the horse steroids, androgens and T in the world and not even be able to scale one of those French Alpy hills with the aid of a velo-scooter, for gods’s sake. Let alone ride a pushie up countless of them, countless years running, and be faster than all the other sport-billy drug cheats after a near-ravaging by cancer.  Signor Seriousimo too had cancer of the man bits, and believe me, even without all those extra tumors thrown into the mix, he was sick enough.

This is Lance, not Seriousimo. The latter was lucky enough to retain what little hair he had.

I know it’s Lance’s holier-than-thou, woe-is-me attitude that’s getting up people’s schnozzes. It’s just a shame that a very inspirational story for cancer sufferers and sports fans alike has lost its shine. From here on in, it will be about how Lance comports himself, and how soon Oprah can press her couch back into service and make sure he’s on it, pronto.

Luciano Candisani/2012 Veolia Environnement Wildlife Photographer of the Year

Years of Sun Damage Finally Take Their Toll on Triv’s Face. Not news to anyone who knows La, but… I could not resist this photo. Tempted to blow it up to triple life size and use it to scare your loin fruits when necessary, or is that just me?  It’s one of the ‘highly commended’ images from the Veolia Environment Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition. Ye gods, some people are clever — and brave.

People Respond Emotionally to Sound of Babies Crying, Research Finds. OMG, really?  Really?!? Katie Young from Oxford University has found, according to The Guardian, “there is something special about the way baby sounds are processed by the brain… the sound of a baby’s cries are tagged as important even before our brains have had a chance to fully process them.” Many mothers would argue the sounds also lead to a Pavlovian desire for chardonnay and solo, one-way flights to Paris.

And while we’re on the topic of loin fruits…

Uma and Arki Announce Name of Female Junior Cost Centre.  Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, in case you’re wondering. However, for ease of use, she shall henceforth be called Luna. Sheesh, srsly? It’s none of La business what anyone wants to name his or her bubalista, but this is almost up there with Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

Go forth and inform x

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