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No, this is not a post about Farrah Fawcett’s hair.

For los readers in far-flung corners of la globe (hello, Morocco! We hope one day to partake of your bazaars and pigeon pies!), this is something of a cultural tutorial.

And it’s about how we watch movies here in the Wide Brown Land.

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First up, you ensure you’re married to someone whose workplace has secured a prime seating and VIP hospitality package.

Then you collect your ticket and a complimentary Lindor ball. You try and remember to take a photo of said ball intact, but – as if by gluttony magic – it’s gone before you can snap.

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You familiarise self with ginormous screen framed by various cityscape Wordporia in the dying of the light.

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You turn slightly to the right and take in cinematic view of iconic Harbour City trophy infrastructures.

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You channel Ms Smuggy McSmuggerson as you breeze past los hoi polloi en route to corporate hospitality zone. At this point, you know something French, bubbly and flute-shaped has your name on it, and you begin your excitable, pre-champers breathing patterns.

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Your hosts for the evening have kindly assigned you a table inside, as a precaution against temperamental skies.

You eat your bodyweight in great food, and – at the end of the savoury portion of the meal – rekindle your long lost love of chocolate mousse.

Which you are allowed to eat in your seat, as the big red screen rises from the water.

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Then, the big red screen fills with images of the big red ball.

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And then, the big red screen seems to know its own special route to your heart, as it fills with images of Paris.

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You laugh, you cry, you squeeze Seriousimo’s Rolex-clad claw. Then it’s time to head home.

And that’s how we do movies ’round here.

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